Self-Love Sunday – On accountability.

“My lack of success is self imposed.” – Roman J. Esquire 

It took me quite a while to watch Roman J. Esquire, mainly because I hadn’t been hearing the best things about the movie. When I finally did watch it, maybe about a week ago, I learned why. It was the kind of thing that you wanted to really like, enjoy, and root for, but there were parts about the delivery and writing that really missed the mark. Like, how a man who was already so disconnected and lonely had to have an even worse fate after giving so much of himself to others.

Let me not spoil the movie for those of you who haven’t seen it. Simply put, there were a lot of quotable parts of the movie even though I would have changed A LOT about it if I was the writer and director. There were two quotes that stuck out to me most. The first, “My lack of success is self imposed,” and the second, “I’m tired of doing the impossible for the ungrateful.” Both of those quotes sparked a change in my mentality.

The second quote made me realize just how important it is to practice self-care and preserve my health – including my mental health. Even when that means making less money because I’m writing less. Not to say my readers are ungrateful. No. Not at all. But to say… I must always keep in my mind my priorities. As much as I love giving my readers novels that entertain and inspire, I must live and rest and operate in my reality instead of completely becoming consumed in fiction worlds day in and day out.

The first quote held me more accountable of my life and my place in life than I have been for a while. That’s not to say that I’ve played the victim and expected others to hand me success and make my life better. I have, however, lost a bit of my spark and hustle. There was a time where I’d do everything in my power to elevate certain parts of my career and life to the next level. Lately, I’ve been finding solace in my comfort. The contentment I’ve been feeling has left me, and the discontentment of wanting more has made me uncomfortable, and as always, discomfort causes me to MOVE. Like nothing else can.

I’ve been struggling a lot with writing lately, and I’ve been transparent about that – mainly because I know I’m not alone and I wanted others to know they weren’t alone either. But, what I hadn’t been sharing were details like breaking into tears as I talked to my fiancé because I wanted nothing but the best for my characters and books or the fact that I was considering quitting altogether and returning to a normal 9 to 5 while I got my nonfiction hustle and classes off the ground. A day or two ago, I was sitting in bed, because not feeling connected to writing honestly drains me, and I remembered – I am in complete control of my life and my career.

My lack of success is self-imposed. 

I have to hold myself accountable and responsible for where I am and what I have… or what I don’t have. In this case, I don’t have contentment and freedom.

I was reminded that, any time I lack success it is because it is self-imposed. That I give no one but God power to effect my life, and he wants to see me win.

So, instead of going with the flow like a dead fish, I decided to research a few things and level up. To get out of my comfort zone and try new things to reach new levels. In my search of a new way to make writing my truest passion again, I realized a lot of my problem had to do with my mentality and the way it caused me to work, which in turn effected the way I live. 

Reading “Rich Dad’s Cashflow Quadrant” by Robert Kiyosaki can be life changing if acted upon. For me, it reminded me of the power of knowledge, personal growth and development, and self-awareness. Basically, my boy Rob read me clear as day without knowing me. In the book, he lists four different types of people, and the mentalities those four people have. To not give away all of the book, I’m a classic self-employed type.

A perfectionist. One who likes to do everything on own her because she has difficulty trusting others to do things correctly. One who likes to do all the work to have all the credit, money, and responsibility. Now, although you can make a LOT of money being self-employed, you also lose a LOT of time. What good is having money if you don’t have the time to truly enjoy it? That’s what I’ve been struggling with for I don’t know how long. Wanting true wealth instead of riches. Wanting both financial freedom and time. 

I didn’t realize it, but I started to resent writing because, even though it pays well, it takes up so much of my time. I started to feel confined every time I sat down to write. No writing, no money. Writing = no time. No time = no freedom to live. No living = drained, depressed, and detached. I was in a rut, y’all. Period.

Anyway, the solution was simple but not easy. The solution was to switch from a full time self employed writer to a business owner who writes just for passion and hobby like I used to. The problem with the solution was the change in mentality that would be required. The control I would have to give up in order to trust others to help get things done for my business. Just the thought of having to trust others with my brand is enough to have me going into a cyber panic attack but I’m going to hold it in, lol.

So, you may be wondering… what does any of this have to do with self-love?

Well, there are so many layers to self-love. There’s more to it than affirmations, mediations, and pampering. There’s more to it than love itself. As with our relationships with others, love isn’t everything. Love is simply a layer to the cake of wholeness. Other things matter too. Like self-awareness, self-accountability, self-care, and self-honesty.

Who cares if I’ve been trying to show myself love if I’m not taking care of my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health? What’s love got to do with it, if I don’t truly know myself? Why would it matter if I tell me that I love myself if I’m not being truly honest with myself? You get the picture 🙂

My discontentment and discomfort caused me to become more accountable and honest with myself. It caused me to become more mindful of my mental health and the outside situations that I allow to disrupt me internally. Listen, living my dream is amazing, but not if it tortures my reality.

The solution for me is to shift from full time writer to full time publisher, teacher, and love and relationship titan. Will I miss writing 8-12 hours a day and publishing 1-2 books a month? Maybe some day. And when/if I do, I’ll have the financial freedom and time to do it by CHOICE not by FORCE.

So yea. That’s my story and lesson for the day.

People who love themselves also care for themselves and hold themselves accountable. 

Is it easy? Hell no. Is it worth it? Just as much as my life and peace.

– Love, B.

P.S. Did you check out my latest podcast? Some of the topics are standards in relationships, waiting for love, and maintaining happiness. Click here to check it out.

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