For a while now, I haven’t watched ANY reality shows. Basketball wives. Love and hip hop. Bad girls club. Does that even still come on? Either way, I haven’t watched any of those shows in a good while. The reason why Ihaven’t watched those things in a while is that I understand that what women see and hear we internalize as reality. We are adapters. We are compassionate creatures for the most part who not only nurture how we feel, but we try to feel how others feel to show them compassion. We are wired to take how others feel deeply into our souls… as our reality in that moment.
It’s how we connect with people.
When I realized this, I understood how much weight I had as an author. I understood that I was feeding the minds of thousands of people. What was I feeding them? Something healthy and life-giving? Something entertaining, good for their taste but bad for their souls? A mixture of both?
With our thoughts shaping our realities, it’s extremely important to focus more on loving, positive images, things, music, movies, and books… because what you focus on MOST your brain feeds you MOST. If you spend a lot of time focusing on negativity and lying and cheating your brain will think that’s a priority to you. It will take that as your reality. It will zero in on those things, and filter out positive, loving and faithful images.
Don’t believe me? Look it up. Look up the reticular activating system.
Now, does this knowledge mean that I don’t occasionally read ratchet books and listen to trap music and things that I know I shouldn’t be indulging in? Nope! I do! But that’s not what I consistently feed myself hours at a time on a daily basis.
Okay, so what does this have to do with anything, B? – Is that what you’re asking me right now? Well, with me being aware of how important it is to monitor what I GIVE AND TAKE from the world with my writing and the shows I watch and books I read, I also realized the same goes for our relationships.
My ( As in this is my personal opinion, not law, and you don’t have to agree ) gripe with reality shows these days is that they glorify a lot of unhealthy and toxic things in relationships. Yes, I know that people like to watch these shows because they are entertaining and relatable, but the problem with consistently seeing women being lied to, cheated on, disrespected, and played is that… for a woman who isn’t aware of the power of what she’s feeding her mind… she can think this is reality. She can find herself in a position in HER reality where SHE’S being lied to and cheated on and think THAT’S OKAY.
Beloved, that’s NEVER okay. If you genuinely want love, marriage, babies and happiness it is NOT OKAY to settle for a man that doesn’t value you enough to be faithful to you. If all you want is a casual fling with no commitment do your thing. But for those of you who have a heart for something more… do not set yourself up like that.
You set the standard for how people treat you. Whether or not they love you. Whether or not they respect you.
Now we get to the point of this blog.
A lot of my exes have been popping up randomly lately. Well, I thought it was random, but I soon realized God is showing me what he has kept me from over the years. He’s preparing me for my husband. My future.
With one of my exes, I KNEW that he was seeing someone else, but I was so DESPERATE for love, affection and attention that I LOWERED my standards and ALLOWED him to disrespect me. I couldn’t play the victim or express my hurt because I knew about her. I knew I wasn’t the only one. He was never going to be faithful to me because I accepted his infidelity. He wasn’t respecting me because I wasn’t respecting myself.
And if I am to be totally honest, I didn’t completely love him. I loved a few things about him. I loved the potential of what I could’ve had with him. I loved the idea of being loved by and loving him. So much so that I stayed with him when I found out about her. And that, beloved, was the worstmistake I could’ve made.
If you give a man the world for free he will never pay for it.
When I put myself in that position of accepting his BS, that was all he cared to ever give me. I knew in my mind that I needed to leave, but my heart caused me to stay. Because of that, my heart is what suffered the most pain. I stayed for months… hurting more and more with each passing day. Experiencing more and more paranoia, mistrust, shame. Finally, I grew so empty that I literally had nothing else to give. He was giving me nothing in return, and I was so freaking drained.
And you know the crazy thing that happened? The second I cut all ties with him and started loving and respecting myself HE came back to ME.
I increased his demand of me by limiting his supply of me.
By this point, though, I was so aware of his lack of love and respect for me that I no longer wanted to be involved with him. Did I love him? Yes. Did I want him? Yes. Was it hard letting him go? Yes. But was I WORTH IT? Heck yes. He came back to me. I regained power over my heat and emotions and he came back to me. But when I remembered my worth and what I deserved I no longer wanted him.
Beloved, it’s okay to want to love and be in relationships and all of that. It’s NEVER wrong to want to be loved. What becomes a problem is how we pursue that love, or who we give that chance to.
I would much rather be single and not date while I wait for the man that’s going to treat me right, than to stay with a man who isn’t for me causing me hurt and disappointment for the sake of having a body next to me. ESPECIALLY if we’re not married, in business together or have children together. Like, what are you keeping yourself tied to this man for, sis? Seriously.
It is always when I let a man go and decide to love him from a distance that I see him for who he really is. By the time he realizes what he had in me and wants to ‘do right by me’ I’m back in my right mind enough to cancel that. All I’m saying is, yes, with brotherly love we MUST give it freely expecting nothing in return. But in relationships, if you give freely without receiving anything but lies, disrespect, cheating, abuse, paranoia and insecurity in exchange that’s not healthy, beloved.
People who love themselves know that they must love themselves first. They know that love from the opposite sex is a gift that should be the overflow of love in their lives… not the only source. They know that they should be their first priority. That their well-being needs to be what drives their relational choices. That it’s okay to love someone from a distance if they aren’t loving them and giving them what they need and deserve. That’s it’s okay to be FRIENDS. To give people time to GROW. Remember, while God was working on Eve, Adam was asleep. If you meet your Adam and awaken him before the both of you are ready you may have some problems that could’ve been avoided had you waited. I’m not saving every man is going to love you perfectly, but you know what you want, need and deserve. No man is going to give that to you if he’s not ready or if you settle for less.
Take account of what you’re giving and receiving in that relationship. Is it really him/her that you love… or the idea of them and love? If you don’t remember anything else I say remember this; you set the standard for how people treat you. If you’re constantly being done wrong it’s time to stop placing the blame on them and look at you. Look at the way you treat you. Look at what you’re accepting and settling for. If they aren’t treating you right… they need to be left.
Until next time,